So yesterday we had an awesome lesson on President Monson's talk, "Finding Joy in the Journey." Dresden did an amazing job and all of the comments given were directed to me. The Lord definitely knew I needed to hear that lesson.
Lately I feel like I've been on auto-pilot. I do the chores, spend some time with each kid, cook dinner, feed the family, change stinky bums, give husband a kiss when he gets home, etc. Doing the things I'm supposed to, but not feeling anything. I guess just feeling empty. There have been a few days where I haven't wanted to get out of bed. I'm exhausted. Fighting with a 2 (almost 3) year-old is no fun. I swear its battle of the wills with Lilli! Just the other day I fought with her for OVER AN HOUR to get her to take a nap. Did she end up taking the nap??? NOPE! Then I told her to stay in her room (hey, I need a break SOME TIME). Did she stay in her room??? NOPE! All this was after multiple spankings (Yes I spank my child, so sue m), and constantly going up to her room to tell her to get back in bed. I definitely got my exercise in that day!
Trying to take care of 2 babies on top of the crazy 2 year-old is exhausting. The constant worry of how much milk I'm going to have today, or are they even going to take naps today, or will it take 2 hours to get them to bed tonight, or how many times are they going to get up tonight. Someone asked me yesterday what I do when both babies are screaming and I told her that I have to set them down and leave the room. Somedays I have the patience to spend 2 hours comforting them and some days I just can't take it. Rarely do they sleep at the same time during the day. I've got 3 small bags (shopping bags) full of stinky diapers. I have to do laundry ATLEAST once a day to keep up. I've been pooped on, peed on, puked on, boogied on. You name any bodily fluid and I can almost guarantee you its been on me.
Saturday was my first attempt at taking all 3 kids out, by myself. It would have been fine, but Lilli was whining and crying THE WHOLE TIME!! How did I do it?? I put Alex in the baby bjiorn, Aidan was in his car seat, and I put Lilli in the cart (or buggy to you southerners). Yes I got constant stares, and I overheard one couple say, "Wow! She's got her hands full!" Thanks people!!! Needless to say, we just went to Target and then I was done. I packed the kids back in the car (our car has NO AC) and headed back home (in 94 degree weather). Will I do that again? Not anytime soon, and definitely NOT during nap time (or when Lilli's SUPPOSED to take a nap). Boy do we need a van!
I feel like I'm always cleaning the house. I spend a day cleaning and it takes a second for it to be dirty again. I feel like a single parent all day, every day. Ben works nights so he's gone all night and then he sleeps during the day. Sometimes he has extra duties at work, so he doesn't come home until noon, and then he has to sleep. Many of my friends' husbands have crazier shifts and I don't envy them at all, but it's still hard. We've been doing this for 4 months and I hate it.
There! Now that I got that off my chest, back to the whole point of this blog (besides venting). Even though things are hard right now, I have to think that they could always be worse. Not only do I need to find joy in my family, be grateful my husband has a stable job and that we have the means to take care of ourselves, but I need to say, "Find joy in the journey." The house can wait, but my family won't. They need me. I want to create fun memories that they'll have for forever. I need to remember the things that bring me joy, and know that no matter what, the Lord is aware of me and my trials. He loves me. He knows I'm trying my best. As long as I'm doing my part, He'll do the rest. How grateful I am to be a member of the Church and to have wonderful, inspiring talks, and lessons (like yesterdays) that give me the motivation to keep on keepin' on!
The things that bring me joy!